Dating Site Hell

Text carefully all ye that enter in

Wild thing Suzy Guru
Paula Hot Love big fan of La Roux
One click away waiting for you
Subscribe exercise your consumer rights to pick and choose
Everyone’s a winner babe that’s the truth

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do
I aint getting no love got nothing to lose
And right now I’m hornier than a bull rampaging through
The brass section of Barry White’s Love Unlimited orchestra whilst in session
No point in being a poet if words can’t seduce
The following events occurred around the time Ashley Madison made the news

Hello how are you today how did you end up in here?
In blind panic I scrambled up some lame excuse hoped it
Came across sincere
Morning glory a cover story I’m a little green behind the ears
Oblivious to the nuances unwritten rules of the dating site blues

A friend with benefits open minded open ended
Works with the elderly cares for the demented
She took offence at some perceived indifference where none was intended
Hit the panic button I was unfriended

Stop and chat don’t be shy let’s talk awhile wrote Sexy Princess Ruth
So without hesitation I struck up a conversation
About my fascinations flirting with emoticons I sensed she understood
Then with no word of warning from point of contact was removed

Ghosted rebuked machismo deflated
No fool like an old fool with something still to prove
In an act of desperation born of frustration to brighten up my situation
I sought solace with Tracey one nine seven two
Alas my friendship request was ignored denied
Nevermind c’est la vie the seagulls follow the trawler
Because there are plenty more fish in the sea
I am starting to think that everyone else in cyber space
Is having a better time than me

What about blonde bombshell the one with trust issues
That voluptuous lady in the low cut top
A fabulous vision of complete womanhood with anti EU views
Feeling neglected misunderstood
Likes country music kangaroos caribous
Is looking for her soul mate
To live happily ever after with in a land called Xanadu

Doesn’t want a casual relationship needs full commitment maybe more
At night time she likes to feel fine imbibe on the fruit of the vine
Watch Netflix pics liggin’ out on scatter cushions strewn across the floor
Got rid of the husband couldn’t stand him anymore
Genuine guys only please she’s been hurt before

Bonjour nomenclature my name is Earl I got everything but the girl
You can stay at my fixed abode or I could come to yours
And boomphh just like that two worlds collided through social intercourse
We met up on the Saturday no funny stuff of course
Declared our love on Sunday Monday we divorced

Juicy Lucy Rita Patel there to catch me if I fell
Yorkshire Rose Bridlington Belle lonely Jo with lots to tell
We interact with each other in dating site hell
Dancing to algorhythms within the echo chambers of the internet of things
Typo errors Freudian slips the absence of full stops and apostrophes
Catfish flat screen virtual relationships
Can’t ascertain for certain if these people exist

No mannerisms or personality clues
No idiosyncratic twitches from which to deduce
Consenting adults acting in cahoots have broken with tradition
Severed ties with social conservatism Mary Whitehouse attitudes
If two people stalk each other which one is zooming who?
Hell is other people one can reasonably assume

There are so many lonely hearts in here the administrators can’t lose
We can cancel our direct debits any time they choose
The oldest swingers in town set free again to put their heads
Back in the noose and play with wi-fire in the shires
Because there’s nothing better else to do

Bad habits rampant rabbits schadenfreude bad karma
Peaches and cream tangerine dream hyenas piranhas
Misogynists and misandrists wrapped up in body armour
Cheap thrills enhancement pills set the backdrop to big pharma

You have a delicious sense of irony seem so laid back
I like those qualities in a man wrote Curvy Cherie
The reason for that I replied is mostly I’m out of my tree
Trying not to take the absurdity of life too seriously
A borderline recluse footloose fancy free
I go where the music takes me but draw the line at Radio 3

Paint a picture describe yourself tell me what you want and who you are
She don’t mind risqué or double entendre
Man of leisure under pressure made to measure ribbed for pleasure
I messaged back to her

To my relief she text back right away to say that was the funniest thing
She’d read all week went on to add
How much she admired my bare faced cheek
A person with a perverse sense of humour
Wildly overactive imagination is exactly what she seeks
Yes indeed to another level let us proceed

OMG a result I’ve only gone and pulled
Somehow my comedy of errors has entertained kept her amused
We share epic conversations fully clothed sometimes nude
When I squint at her blurred profile photo she resembles Penelope Cruise
We are meeting up in 3D real soon me myself will introduce
If all goes well can bid farewell
To dating site hell and social media blues

%d bloggers like this: